So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
