That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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