Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
