On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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