new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
