I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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