Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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