turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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