happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
