Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
