just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Houston, we have a blender
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
