Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
