dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
