do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
