I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
