so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
