I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
