I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
