...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
