Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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