how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
