Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
