i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
