I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
