The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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