Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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