Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
