I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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