i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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