Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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