Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
