fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
