why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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