pop tarts are not kleenex
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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