The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
