every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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