Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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