there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
