I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
