even my farts smell like vagina
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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