There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
God I need to hump something, right now.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
