I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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