:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
