So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
