i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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