I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
