No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
