I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
