If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
