OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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