isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
