I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
