she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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