This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
