so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
